My Bucket List

Steven's Bucket List

What's a bucket list? A bucket list is a wish list of things to do before you 'kick the bucket" or in other words, before you die. I will elaborate on today's list and tomorrow's list (the one I can use when I get my second chance at life.)

The Bucket Itself

Tomorrow: Looking forward to crossing off items

Today: I have a bucket in my car and toilet paper near by.

Climbing: (thanks Doug for the inspiration!!)

Tomorrow: Safe climbing- extra incentive for your belayer below not to mess up or he'll get messed up when that bag comes falling down.

Today: Today I climb onto the toilet and then climb the walls of my house with cabin fever.

Dog walking:

Tomorrow: The dog can poo on that old Italian lady's garden again just so we can see her expressive face and her mastery of non verbal communication. Yeah, we'll have multiple bags to clean it up... after her performance of course.

Today: The dog gets about 30 seconds to pee before I have to run back in with her so I can be near the porcelain throne.

More dog walking:

Tomorrow: Walking near water where we can all swim together

Today: Not much of a list item but I get a bit jealous when my dog shows off her nice poos with that hopping and slavic dancing motion after a big dump. And the fact that she can go anywhere outside whenever she pleases, without shame, but I as a human have to hide behind the bushes or worry about the cops being called. Grrr.

Mountain biking:

Tomorrow: Riding across planks and logs and getting air again as my bike and I fly over wicked terrain.

Today: What can I say, it's been logs and wind alright ..and a different saddle.

Redo my vows with my wife

Tomorrow: Just before you go to bed I vow not to fart on your pillows any more

Today: Just before you go to bed I vow not to fart on your pillows any more

Leave my family (including wife, dog and bird) enough money so that if something happens to me they are financially safe.

Tomorrow: Also leave them some great memories and experiences that arise from us all being healthy.

Today: Money really is not enough on its own for happiness... without health, love and good work we are lacking much (sorry to get serious again)

Dream on

Tomorrow: Actually book the time to live out these plans.

Today: Live a physically crappy life whilst making other plans

Go green

Tomorrow: Bring reusable bags (canvas bags) to all markets and stores. Stop supporting the big toilet paper manufacturers so much. How many forests have I caused to be cut down?

Today: Sometimes bile acid (green) comes out in my poo and I marvel at it like a 4 year old marvels at the insect he just dismembered.

Find inner peace

Tomorrow: Nah, I'll never find inner peace (THANKS DAD!!!!!!! I take no responsibility it's all your fault)

Today: Find inner pieces, chunks of clotted blood and internal organ artifacts in the toilet

Do rigourous exercise

Tomorrow: Start with cardio then slowly build up the abs if I can so that I can do some weights. Just beware of doing anything to excess, which I am prone to do so that I can get external validation.

Today: Perilstasis and tenesmus do seem to raise the heart rate for a good 20 minutes. Plus sprint running to the can/bushes.

Kickboxing

Tomorrow: I'll forewarn them all about the bag, its the ultimate stomach defense, who in their right mind would kick there and risk being splattered?

Today: I still think I can win at a Crohn's Colitis Fight Club Tournament. Any challengers?

Getting rid of this pot belly:

Tomorrow: "really, its not my fault, it is a legacy of the prednisone I took"

Today: "really, its not my fault, it's because of the prednisone I am taking"

Weight lifting:

Tomorrow: This would be awesome at least for my male ego need for invincibility.. but I am afraid of the hernia risks. Perhaps if my surgeon can do the job laparoscopically, the hernias wont be such a prolem (apparently 5X lower risk)

Today: My wife does all the weight lifting, even carrying me around when the colitis induced arthritis acts up.

Travelling to Latin America

Tomorrow: Going back to Costa Rica so I can enjoy everything that the Costa Rican people haven't ruined yet.

Today: At least my Spanish is getting good because of all the Spanish magazines near the loo.

Eating Copious Amounts of Cholent (slow cooked bean-potato stew) with Mitch

Tomorrow: I want to eat so much my bag explodes

Today: I can only dream of the Cholent... obsessed.... mmmm....

Buy a house thats nicer and bigger than that of my friends (where does this come from? Go away that side of me)

Tomorrow: I'll still be the same prick probably

Today: At least my colon is bigger than that of my friends

Vegetarianism

Tomorrow: I can't wait to have delicious veggie sandwiches. And how light and healthy it all feels.

Today: I am jealous of my wife who gets to eat all this yummy stuff. And don't get me started on how yummy our vegetarian wedding food was. I was never a good meat eater anyways, as my parents used to cook chicken jello and beef brain, I got turned off at an early age.

Animal Welfare

Tomorrow: I'll be nicer to my fellow humans.

Today: I want to stop eating meat, it makes me feel guilty. But I need to survive and carbs seem to do me in real bad. Beans kill me right now! Anyways as to meat eating either I die because I can't eat anything else (I've tried it all) or they die... so I'm picking me.

Animal Rights

Tomorrow: Donate to PETA

Today: Donate to PETA and Farm Sanctuary... alleviate the guilt

Swimming with Dolphins and Sharks:

Tomorrow: Swimming with Dolphins and Sharks

Today: Imagine me swimming with sharks and then having to take a dump.. with all that blood

Being near water

Tomorrow: Oceans, Lakes, Bays

Today: Toilet Water

Being near thunderstorms/monsoons

Tomorrow: In tropical climates, enjoying strong rain falls, feeling so small compared to nature and zenning out.

Today: I make my own monsoons in the toilet.

Other things I want to do but can only dream of right now

• off road motorcycling/ touring... riding the continental divide trail
• bicycle touring again across Europe
• sail across the ocean
• run for office on a stupid platform
• do karaoke, in particular something from Kate Bush
• give somebody directions, even though I have no clue where they are going
• ride a motorcycle from Canada to Chile but skip Colombia because that would be scary to go through
• finally get my Dr Dolittle machine working so my pets can talk to me in real time in my language- then I don't have to bother to learn their language
• not get degrees or education for ego's sake
• actually get rid of this damn ego that drives me
• walk to destinations whenever possible
• make a documentary about my life / set up a gallery of my comic work (inspired by mad magazine and wacky packages of course)
• be an extra in a film that causes the director to say "cut!" and kick me out
• adopt another dog or 2 from the animal shelter and have a big piece of land for them to play fetch on
• hide all the clocks in my dad's house (he has at least 3 in each room, some rooms have 9 clocks)
• plant marijuana bushes in my neighbours backyard
• hone my skills at Nicky Nine Doors