The art and science of the ostomy bag

Why can't Ostomy bags be made to look a bit more cool? That boring flesh colored look is so 1930s. If I could I would have mickey mouse ears on mine. Or design mine to look like a misplaced, oversized sack with a huge dong that would make an elephant matriarch blush. Or just make it cool. Why can't they be made out of carbon fiber or red with a Ferrari-esque look complete with leather wrapped gearshift. What about a swiss army knife style bag which is part fanny pack, part toolkit and part enclosure where you can store your cellphone/pda, credit cards and perhaps a lunchtime snack?

Speaking of practical, too bad they can't make huge sleeping ostomy bags that expand at night and go down the length of your body, like a burlap sack so you can actually get 12 hours of sleep a night, the way sleep was meant to be enjoyed. It would be a natural insulator too and the other bonus is that you'd get your morning exercise when you need to lift and carry the goods to the loo to empty out. Sleep and exercise are supposed to be good for you.

Shapes and sizes and other goodies aside, I can't wait to design sayings on my bag:

"My other bag is a Prada"

or

"I'm not a complete idiot, I've had parts removed".

If you have any other things you'd want displayed on my bag (that sounds funny tee hee) feel free to suggest them. I'll probably stick the pictures of a few friends faces (Dave? Yo? Fairweather Rob? Alex?) on my bags too. I'll make sure they are smiling and looking excited.

Another train of sophisticated thought: Perhaps I can find a corporate sponsor who will pay big bucks to have their logos prominently displayed on my bag. I'd love an Arby's logo or a McDonald's logo there. (Hey Corporate Sponsors, I know you are interested and can offer this prime and very unique real estate venue for a competitive price.. but remember, its a limited time offer!).