Prison Break and saying Yes to life

This post is intended to be a reminder that when I get out of surgery and heal up, that I have a second chance at life. And that there are not so obvious risks along the way that must not be ignored to have a full and true recovery of my life. I apologize for its lengthiness.

I've often likened colitis to being stuck in a prison. Well, more like house arrest. You can never really get too far from a toilet and when you do, you are usually just too weak or hurting to do anything fun anyways. So you end up spending most of your hours in the bedroom or in the bathroom. So when you have a moment when you feel "well enough" you grab it by the horns and savour it as best as you can.

Last night, from midnight till 9 am i went (ran) potty 8 times. Having gone so many times with UC you take a gamble and say "Ok how much more can there be. I haven't eaten in 14 hours, the system is probably empty now. I can try to go out now, go for a quick walk with the dog. Get some sunshine and a bit of exercise to mitigate the calcium loss from the prednisone. And get the circulation flowing. And as importantly, capture a few moments of fun in the day. After all if I don't go out and try to get some physical activity every day ... everything will continue to atrophy. " So off we quickly go my wife and I and our pup (and a wad of toilet paper just in case).

We leave home and quickly are on our way. And surprise! Within 3 minutes of leaving home those dreaded cramps begin. Once the cramps hit I get about a 15 second window to find a choice spot to void or else the choice spot will find me.

I find myself looking for bushes to hide behind (and wishing I dressed entirely in camoflauge -- note to self, dress in camoflauge next time)

I squat down and out comes half a liter of poo. Where does it all come from? Tenesmus then kicks in and I'm squirming for the next 2 minutes. Running a marathon is nothing next to these two minutes. They drain my already weak body. And then suddenly out of nowhere a bunch of dogwalkers decide to pass by and so do some ladies whose walking speed seems to slow down to a crawl as they pass by and admire their shoes. I try to stay still because movement attracts attention and of course don't want to be seen.

They begin walking on... finally. At first I'm proud at my stealthlike abilities and how cool that was and that I could be a spy... and then interrupt my 10 year old thinking process to reflect on my dismay of the whole situation. We continue our walk, with me again betting "The system is probably empty now". It's a painful walk (I feel as if my anal canal just gave birth to a llama) and 20 minutes later we return home without further incident.

Back in my loving home but unfortunately back for my house arrest. This is the reason I am opting for surgery: To break those shackles and break out of this illness imposed prison. And I wish my future self to heed these words from the me who doesn't take anything for granted anymore (err I cringe as I write that, knowing it's pure bullshit). Let me re-try. Please, future self: Heed these words from the me who takes far less for granted than ever before: when this sickness clears and things get easier physically, please don't let me self-impose a mental prison on myself. Those are too easy to do: A prison of fear or shame that stops me from being free, from doing the things I love. I see this in my loved ones. A prison of should's, expectations of self and others. It will take much risk and fighting to stop the illness, I must make sure it's not all in vain, not all just to be constrained by yet another prison. There are a million reasons to say no to life but a warrior says yes to life in spite of the risks. Please, future Steven, say yes to life when you can. Say yes to being average and to developing your skills at being just average. You will get a new normal and don't feel entitled to any more. Say yes to travel, to enjoying the sound of the ocean, climbing mountains, enjoying humour, enjoying others whether of the human or non human variety. Enjoy making music, cycling, motorcycling, sparring and continuing to let your sense of humour develop beyond that of a 10 year old. Please enjoy the miracles of nature and the love of family. Enjoy the little time we do have on this earth because it is fleeting. Enjoy your work. Enjoy choosing innocent (non expectation-ridden) hedonism over egoism and don't think of keeping up with those damn Joneses. And don't make yourself upset, thinking about things you can't control. Let them go and architect the ultimate prison break.