Or maybe it was my mother's cooking.
Hmm maybe it was her cooking that caused me to get Colitis in the first place?
+ 
Anyways, today my rectum felt like Axel Rose and Slash shoved a guitar into my manhole and played Welcome to the Jungle in there, with the amp turned all the way up. Since I'm in a foul mood I had trouble picking a subject to write about today. But who wants to read such morose things? So for this blog's ever increasing fan base to actually come back another day I'll stop complaining and share a dumb joke about illness with you.
Tommy asks his friend: "So what did you get for Christmas?"
His friend replies: "I got a bike, a go kart, a quadbike, an xbox 360 with 30 games, a PlayStation 3 with 30 games, an electric guitar, a drum kit, a new PC, a laptop, a surround sound entertainment centre, a new watch, loads of clothes, loads of sweets, a holiday around the world, and loads more!"
To which Tommy replies: "Aww, I wish I had Leukemia"
If you have any horrible jokes to share (and I know you do) please share, those always make my day.
Blonde Mortician
ReplyDeleteA man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,
'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife 'So I just switched the heads.'
Why, Why, Why
ReplyDeleteDo we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
They stole all the toilets from the Police station.
ReplyDeleteThe cops have nothing to go on.
A son to his father: "Daddy why are we celebrating New Year's Eve in June, isn't it too early?"
ReplyDeleteFather: "My sweethart, I aready explained you several times that you have Leuxemia"
A guy walks out of the hospital, he is a little confused on the the result of his analysis. He goes back to hospital and asks to his doctor: "Hey doc what di you say I have... gemini?"
ReplyDeleteDoc: "No I said cancer"
A guy takes his wife to the doctor because she's been feeling strange.
ReplyDeleteAfter examining the wife for quite a while, the doctor tells the husband, "Well, it's either Alzheimers or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The husband says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
ReplyDeleteI told them to F off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE
ReplyDeleteAt St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years..
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspirati on to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied,
'I'm a gonna go backa to get her.'