My Will and Testament (public readers may wish to skip this)

I can't sleep, its the night before surgery. I am calm as a cucumber (honest!) but the prednisone keeps me up at night. Here is the final list of endowments for my vulture friends & neurotic family if I croak in the next hours: (Note it is not in any particular order)

Wife: $ in the bank (whatever is left of it after all the gambling and morphine addictions yet to come) + parrot + dog + any motorcycles she can find + mirrors to adorn every wall in the house so she can always look at herself + Doilies so she could cover everything in the house that is dirty.

Gerard Depardieu (I'm a big fan): My minivan including the toilet we installed in it

Mom: Quickbooks for 3 businesses, someone needs to maintain the businesses + Tax code guides for US and Can Businesses

Dad: My tranquilizer collection + the technology businesses I own (that will be great to watch)

Baby S. Bird: 60 years supply of corn on the cob (organic), beans, paper to shred and someone to sing to her daily + varying sizes of prosthetic fingers/toes/eyes to play with

Mousey Malone: Private skateboard park + indoor slide + Cat statue idols to stare at + Mouthwash + Gas-X + daily basket ball park visits

Pitzi the Gas Xpeditor: Feminine hygiene pads to contain all the pee she dribbles during the day + Squeaky toys

Dirty Sanchez (aka Lucky) the Rottie: More love and walks because he deserves it

In-laws: My Sony Vaio laptop, my 1.3 MP digital camera, framed 3 foot square picture of Baby Bird watching over them

Brother in law: Bowl Chair in living room, Celine Dion CD my dad bought for me in '97 + fake swiss army knife my dad got at the flea market + a 1 month stay and training with the world champion anvil shooter

New nephew (yet to be born): All my books on business and swimming with the sharks

Uncle A: My Economist magazines and digital porn stash

Aunt C: My Economist magazines and digital porn stash

Uncle PU: My favourite blue reclining chair and VHS porn stash

Uncle G: Nothing because he never called even once. Not even once! Well, maybe he can have my magazine porn stash (from when I was 13)

My Brother: A free trip to Canada to visit & stay with my parents for 6 months

My Nephew: My Red Bicycle with the streamers and a squeak horn

Fairweather Rob: My Brita water filter + replacement filters + whatever is left of my herbal pantry + 15 year supply of Valium
Yo Yo Yo: My Giant Expedition touring bike complete with upgraded brakes and panniers and awesome burley cargo trailer + a neck exerciser to get that neck to be thicker than a pencil

Diapers Dave: All my enemas (including used parts) + naked pics of me (we all know you are bi) + a toupee + a cummerbund to suck in all the fat

Alex: My shaver so he can shave his privates and stop grossing everyone out with your photos of that huge bush + Nokia Camera Phone

Richard: My toboggan and a red scarf

Smith: My kippa collection

Dan S: The recipe for pigeon patties and my first pair of pigeon skin shoes (including all IP rights)

Sue: Bird feathers and a semi-real shofar

Bruce: Photos of 1970's era Porsches that I have from childhood

Josh: Propane and fuel so he can refill the bottles/cars he borrows

Ilan: The bottle I first used to bottle a Turkish Gentleman

Shell: My vintage mad magazine collection

My internet mistress #1 (Ethel): My Sandisk player + her love letters back

My intranet mistress #2 (Hazel): My Sandisk player + her love letters back

My extranet mistress #3 (Mildred): My Sandisk player + her love letters back

Michi Molnar: His own set of pliers so he doesn't need to steal them from my dad

Gandolph Schmertz: Vigor and a heartbeat

I also wish to donate my nipples for medical research.

My one burial request: I would like to be placed in a water-proof plexiglass coffin, nude, adorned with count chocula around my body like flower petals. Make sure my tongue hangs out to the left and at least one eye has been eaten by the parrot. Drop the coffin in Lake Ontario, somewhere near the beaches. Or a public swimming pool where there are lots of children nearby. If being dropped in water is not possible, my wife may feel free to use this plexiglass coffin as a coffee or dinner table. Please make sure my phallus is of a respectable size (don't forget girth as well), whether it takes a taxidermist to do this or not.

If costs are prohibitive I am also comfortable with being taxidermied and hung up as a trophy on the wall at my in-laws home.

That's about it for now. If I missed someone in the will, please send written and verbal complaints to my wife. As many as needed until she responds.