UC

Why is indeterminate UC so tough? I don't mean to be negative and focus on pain but I want to document this because one day I want to remember in a palpable, visceral way just what this disease meant and why even wearing an external bag and having my guts removed is better. I don't want to ever forget because when that bag goes on I can either pity myself and ask "why me" or I can say "Thank you for a second chance at life and never having to go back to that pain".

So what makes the disease so tough? For 3 years now I've varied between having a sore tummy to having the worst food poisoning I can remember. Like pooing shards of glass. Running to the toilet 30 times a day just to bleed and losing about a half cup of blood a day dropped my hemoglobin and hematocrit to the floor. My iron readings are high yet I am severely anemic sleeping 16 hrs a day. I had to give up being vegetarian and start eating animals voraciously because they are the only foods that I can digest now (!). I've developed severe diabetes from the prednisone and my tendons are weak, sometimes my toes and fingers suddenly dislocate. Sometimes my deltoids and pectorals feel like they are starting to be torn off the bone. My eyesight is horrible and there are many days when I can't walk at all because of bone and joint pain. Oh and let's not forget those kidney stones!

My immune system seems pretty stupid as it attacks me with such force. Interestingly, I can't help but think about how my immune system quickly "adapted" to become more and more vicious over the years... why can't it adapt the other way around?

Anyways back to the complaints list. I think the main complaint is that it becomes hard to say yes to life. Saying no to life sucks. It becomes hard to go out because you may end up having to shit yourself in the car, the elevator, the shower, anywhere. And after each of these bowel movements a pain swells over my backend for the next 30 minutes. The pain feels like I've just gotten out of Oz having been raped anally by the Blacks, Aryans and Hispanics and finally after about 30 minutes the pain fades away, just in time for the next bowel movement to invite itself over so the multicultural party can begin anew. At least all 3 groups get along now.

I think the disease is also a mofo because despite everything you try, from diet to stress management to medicine, nothing helps. The tough remedies are the ones that seem to work for a day or two (placebo effect?) and then... poof they disappear almost saying "Forget it, that's too much for me to handle".

Part of me wants to laugh when I ponder this post. UC is so ridiculously painful, the future is unclear and the permanent damage my body has suffered from prednisone and inflammation will only be known in years to come. But theres still something funny about it all. Something uplifiting. I guess when you hit rock bottom the only place you can go is up. It's nice to think that it probably won't get worse.

Or maybe its that it could always be worse. I mean, look around at all the suffering out there. Surely it could be worse, there are people with terminal diseases. There are people who terminally hate themselves at the deepest levels. Writing this makes me think that maybe I'm just taking my own pain a bit too seriously, or maybe the body uses laughter and injects the uplifting feelings as one way of coping. Maybe it's time to rest my brain.