Privatish entry about the holocaust and the need for control

Sorry, this entry may be more for me than for the public. I include it as this blog is part-keepsake so I can look back and not forget key lessons. I have long been anxious and I don't feel it now and know why.

My holocaust survivor parents (and morbid childhood) taught me to control everything and try to be an island (financially, emotionally, etc) to avoid being deported like my ancestors. Their lessons ruled my life but the hold of these very lessons may have been shattered due to the experiences related to my discovering god as an atheist entry while here in the hospital. Of being sick and then helped by good people and good processes.

My parents may have been strategically right in their lives to close up to life given all the hell and suffering they endured. They adapted to hell by using the same hammer for everything. The hammer they used required that they be wary, be careful and always have control. But this hammer may not have been the best for me to inherit. Sure it gave me some benefits in the corporate world, etc, but at what cost? Especially at what cost to my peace of mind?

The times may well have changed since my parents' experiences and maybe a screwdriver is a better tool now. Unlike my parent's world, my world isn't made up of bad people looking to hurt others for a nominal or shaudenfreud-escque advantage. Some eras and places are better than others. We now live in a safe country, with health care and a large middle class who is not desparate.. where it's unlikely that our families will be suddenly ripped apart.

And that makes it possible to to say yes to life, to trust a bit more in it.. and let go a bit more. Without the need to control everything and deal with the anxiety such need for control creates. To take calculated risks and say yes and then accept whatever happens. I also need to assert and know my boundaries better. And before I hold grudges I need to actively stay away from the negativity of others that is not constructive. Also, not judging things so critically would help too as we tend to find what we are looking for. I hope that when I am discharged that these lessons stay with me.

So much to learn to do still.